tangents running center

had a job interview recently where one of the search committee members was not only very impressed by my cv, but, frankly, impressed and ecstatic that i was a black woman scientist. this person actually said that to me, and went on to talk about how amazing that was and how great that would be for the department/university. how everyone would want a piece of me. how they want more of me, need more of me, but that there just aren’t (m)any in STEM.

this is always interesting to me. interesting because i know (white) people are always thinking it, especially for the branch of science i’m in, but i’ve never had someone, let alone a potential employer, just come out and say it to my face. it was awkward. i’m still not sure how i felt about it. while i guess it was a compliment, it also made me feel like a thing. this shiny little black woman thing.

i know this is how i will be viewed in academia, especially in a subfield where black women are rare (i already had my fair share during my time in grad school), but knowing that when people see me/interview me they’re thinking about how they could possibly, finally check those diversity boxes…definition of a token.

i know my mom would say something along the lines of “who cares, as long as you’re getting what’s due to you…,” she’s said it before. but, i don’t know. i can’t shake the feeling off as easily as she and others would like me to. instead, i just get exhausted.

“Window seat
Don’t want nobody next to me
I just want a chance to fly
A chance to cry and a long bye-bye

But I need you to want me
Need you to miss me
I need your attention
I need you next me

I need someone to clap for me
I need your direction
Somebody say, come back
Come back, baby, come back
I want you to need me

Come back, come back, baby, come back
Come back, come back, baby, come back
Come back, come back, baby, come back

So, in my mind I’m tusslin’
Back and forth ‘tween here and hustlin’
I don’t wanna time travel no more
I wanna be here, I’m thinking

On this porch I’m rockin’
Back and forth like Lightning Hopkins
If anybody speak to Scotty
Tell him, beam me up….”

erykah badu - window seat

trying to drown my melodramatic sorrows with early 90s r&b. specifically that of the swv, jade, en vogue variety…